I am newly moved to Chicago after growing up, living in, and building a great career and community in Denver, CO. Many different things lead me to taking this big leap from the Mile High City to the Windy City (love, job opportunities, other great friendships, new adventures, etc). But more so I have been stirred with a deep desire. A great want to deepen my life and find clarity around what my purpose is. I want to deepen my relationships, deepen my self-love, deepen my passions, deepen my art (which Inga so pointedly talks about.) I have been asking myself, "Why do I create? Why do I perform? Who is it for? What is my intention?" And I have also been feeling myself drawn to helping or serving others, which then makes me ask, "What is my greater purpose? What is this life for? How are we all connected and how do I fit into the bigger picture?"
Y'know, the small stuff right?
And I don't have the answers. Well hell, duh! I mean I'll probably never really have the answers, so I should say I don't have much clarity around what I think about these things and so don't have that information to guide me in what I want to do with my future. Will it involve performing? Will it involve teaching? Will it involve going back to school? (My bachelors degree is in psychology and I've always thought about getting my masters in psych or a MSW) How can I find something that will support my self-love? (performance and burlesque can be a great friend or still a great foe to this endeavor) How can I give back in the way that I am searching for? (I hear Aquarians are humanitarians and happiest when helping people or contributing to the greater good. I am an Aquarius and yes I do proudly believe in all that wooey-woo stuff)
I'm trying to trust and be patient that it will unfold, but that's not the easiest task for me. I like to plan. No, I love to plan. No I LOVE to plan! Organize, create excel spreadsheets, fill my google calendar, map out routes is all sexy talk to me! So the not-knowing brings me a heap of anxiety and it is exactly the thing that I need to try make friends with and move through more gracefully.
Okay, so right, I'll ponder all of these things and resolve that I can't force the clarity and that part of the lesson is to sit in this unsettled place of not-knowing. Got it!
But there's more... In my search for this deeper life I've also taken away my go-to and best practiced defense mechanisms. My two "favorites" are filling my schedule and obsessing over my body image. These two are my most sensitive triggers and I've spent many years of therapy delving into and deconstructing them. For me they both give a sense of control and provide great distraction. I can organize and plan my overpacked calendar and I have the illusion and harsh unrealistic expectation that I can control my body and weight. Hello my name is Midnite and I am a recovering workaholic and perfectionist with a history of eating disorders. They have been my companions since I was a young girl. I remember asking to watch exercise videos at my babysitters house because already before Kindergarten I was aware that I shouldn't get "fat." They are comforting and familiar and are the things I imagine I will struggle with my entire life. (Though the struggle has become more and more manageable over the years)
Because these defense mechanisms no longer serve me and because I want to continue my path of self-love, inner validation, shame resilience, and vulnerability I am doing my damnedest not to call on them right now. As my incredible therapist (and personal life saver and spirit guide) says, "the usual shit that works doesn't work anymore!" I could cram my schedule, start calorie counting on a restrictive diet, exercise obsessively, and busy myself until I'm once again working 90-hour weeks, but I don't even think it would help with the anxiety the way it used to. I'm too far down the rabbithole. I know covering it up won't make it disappear. I'd be feeling and battling the same things, I'd just be more tired. . . and way more hangry!
So right now I'm left feeling like I'm doing nothing and everything at the same time. It feels like nothing because I'm waiting for clarity to unfold, not filling in my calendar and giving myself space and time to let the universe fill in my life with what it intends (see there's that wooey-woo stuff again). But it feels like I'm doing everything because every day I'm fighting within myself, constantly trying to convince myself that this new way is better and healthier than what my familiar defense mechanisms would do. I'm not being "productive" but I'm exhausted. I'm not working much and yet "working" all the time!
I am grateful to have the space and opportunity to examine and wrestle with these things, but that doesn't make them easier. Through it all I try to hold onto the things I believe are true to me. I want to connect through vulnerability, I want patience (and I want it now damnit! Right DeeDee Derriere?), I want to trust in myself and the universe, I want to release control and give into the uncomfortable and the unknown, and (here's a big one) I want to be kind to myself in the process.
I wish I had a perfectly packaged answer that would square with all of my goals, give me all the answers and a road map to plan my future, and empower me to tell others the solutions! But I don't. And that's okay. I'm impatiently waiting for patience to figure it out. And that's okay. I'm struggling with past demons in this anxiety. And that's okay. I may fail and that's not just okay, that's beautiful. I will share my experience and it may be judged or rejected, but that's okay because I'm okay. This unsettling time is okay and in fact probably healthy. Others going through this, know you are okay too and you are not alone.